Author Archives: Quynn

PTSD Support Give-Away from Quynn

ashes cover phoenixIt has been 11 years since I wrote “Accepting the Ashes- A Daughter’s Look at PTSD”. Unfortunately, the situation for veterans who have returned from war has gotten worse, not better. Many men and women who have served the United States in Iraq and Afghanistan for one, two, five, or more deployments, are suffering from PTSD, and every day we are losing valuable citizens to suicide.

Iit is now time to share the audio version of my book.
I have uploaded the full 58 minute book (narrated by me), with music by Rainbow Didge, into YouTube.  If this story helps one more person understand that they are not weak, they can ask for help, and they are a worthy part of our community, I am grateful.

Please share this story with anyone who might benefit.

A Veteran Speaks to his Son

At the end of 2012 I received an email from a Vietnam veteran,  an ER physician, who had received my book, and wanted to order another one for his son.  Below is the string of emails back and forth.  I am so grateful that my story helped this veteran father share with his son after all these years.

Dear Quynn,

Your book appeared on my desk one day.

I just received treatment for PTSD which I thought I might have
mildly, until I became unable to practice as a physician in July
and suicidal in December, at which I went to the VA and they
secured a spot for me in the Six Week In-patient PTSD program
at the Memphis VA.

Four of the kindest people in the world there helped me see that
I’d actually been carrying a heavy load and I was OK.

I’m getting a divorce, final soon. I was angry all the time, isolated, all
the classic symptoms.  For some reason my ex-wife refuses to accept I
have PTSD, even though I was a rifleman for a full year with the
9th Infantry Division, have a Purple Heart, witnessed children
being killed. She says my deeper problem is a poor relationship
with my mother who admittedly was not a good person.

I tell her watching all your friends die, and children, is worse
than a bad mom but she just walks away.

I can never figure that out. Do you have any idea why she wouldn’t
want to believe I have PTSD?

I’m reading your book in little bits and doses (I already have a
copy, that’s how I knew to write you) because it is so powerful it’s
all I can stand.

Thanks for writing your exceptional book.

R,

Thank you for sharing a bit of your experience, and thank you for your kind words about my book. Maybe someone put the book on your desk because they thought you needed it. I have had books at the Memphis VA I think.
Regarding your wife’s feeling about your situation, I would imagine that there are issues that you might still have with your mother, who doesn’t? I find that all these issues can bundle together into a big knot, but once the PTSD is in the light, it can possibly be easier to see and understand any issues that were created during childhood.  Wives often have a very hard time of it in this situation, the hardest actually.  Just keep moving towards healing. I mentioned this issue (divorce) in my book. “Everyone has a place, even if it isn’t with you.”
I am curious, when did you serve?

Thank you for reaching out,

 

Quynn,

I was with E/6/31st in the 9th Inf. Div. from April 1968 to 12/68,
and then C/4/47th in the Mobile Riverine Force of the 9th 12/68-4/5/69.

I happily give you permission to use any or all of what I said.

I sent a copy of your book to my son and then had a
nearly two hour talk with him last week, first I’ve talked with him since June 2011.
He’s a junior in HS so had a front row seat to see my anger and isolationism and it occurred to me
after reading your book that he probably didn’t know I had five
entrance and exit holes in my helmet or that I witnessed children
being executed by the VC or that I think I’m the only guy from my
squad to survive.

He didn’t. He just knew I’d been wounded.

I told him I didn’t expect him to forgive me but that knowing the
horrific things that happened to me might give him some under-
standing, which sometimes helps a bit.

Oddly enough, seeing those children killed didn’t harden my
heart exactly, although it put me on the other side of a glass wall,
the rest of the world being on the other. But it did make me really
good with caring for children as patients, and various nurses have
told me  I should have been a pediatrician, and as an ER doc I
have saved the lives of a few kids who were in the final stages of
dying which isn’t as easy as it sounds, believe me.

So maybe those awful incidents helped in a way.

I really owe you so much for your book, as I never would have
talked with him had it not been for your book.

Thank you.

Anonymous, MD

Every Day is Veterans Day- Veteran Health Care

“As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.”
John Fitzgerald Kennedy

I wanted to wait until the day after Veterans Day this year to write here.  Veterans Day is special, but it is the day, and many days after, that really matter. It is good to honor those in the Armed Forces, and it is more important to take care of their needs everyday.  They do what they do on our behalf, whether we as individuals ‘want’ them to fight or not, and so it is the duty of Americans to provide care when needed.

“Regard your soldiers as your own beloved sons, and they will stand by you even unto death!”
Sun Tzu

Here are five facts about Veteran’s Health Care.  Number 5 from that list is the following:
5. Nearly one third of returning veterans from the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan have a mental health condition. Nearly 730,000 of the 2.4 million men and women deployed to Iraq and Afghanistan have returned home with a mental health condition, according to the National Council for Behavioral Health. The same group finds that 30 percent of veterans have their mental health needs met with “evidence-based care.” The rest either do not seek out services or receive care that has not shown to improve outcomes.

The following article outlines areas of veteran care that are not working at their optimum capacity.
http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2012-11-12/veterans-home-from-war-battle-u-s-agency-supposed-to-help-them.html

We need to be better at this.

“Have the courage to act instead of react.”
Earlene Larson Jenks

Dog Companions can help PTSD! Assistance Dog Week August 5-11 2012

Man’s Best Friend is so true! “Man”, meaning “Human”, of course. It is no surprise to this dog lover that ‘dog therapy’ has become officially popular in the veteran community.  August 5-11 2012 is, officially, “International Assistance Dog Week”, as stated on the VA official website, IADW was “created to recognize all the devoted, hardworking assistance dogs helping individuals mitigate their disability related limitations.”  Here is the official International Assistance Dog Awareness Week website.

Who could disagree with the importance of such an important relationship between veteran and their dog friend? My father got a Golden Retriever dog as soon as he could when he returned from duty in Vietnam.  Those two spent many hours and years together.  Dogs are not only wonderful ‘Service’ dogs, to help humans physically, but they are also very helpful as ‘Theraputic’ companion dogs for emotional/mental health help.

Consider Soldiers Best Friend at http://soldiersbestfriend.org/. Their mission is “To help our war heroes improve in their symptoms of PTSD, adjust back into civilian life, lead a more productive life and help them build self esteem. We also want to help the pet overpopulation problem by helping place shelter or rescue dogs into good homes.”

This article in military.com says “In 2006 alone, the number of veterans seeking treatment for PTSD was 254,930. The number nearly doubled in 2010, reaching 408,167 veterans seeking treatment for PTSD, and that number is expected to grow again as 40,000 troops return home by the end of 2011. While yoga, meditation, and acupuncture have all been successful alternative PSTD treatment options, none is proving to be as effective as psychological service dogs.”

Whether in official ‘service’ or not, a dog’s love is so unconditional and expressive, one cannot deny the effects on the heart and soul.  I cannot keep a dry eye when I watch the following videos of family dog reactions when their service member returns home. Here are a couple of many.  Apparently I am not alone, because this first one has over 11 million views, and I’m sure there are others besides me who watch them more than once.  The heart pours open and is touched, whether we want it to or not.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ysKAVyXi0J4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iD3cgDRsDck (compilation of many videos)

It is time for me to go sit with my little dog.  Enjoy this week and give thanks to all the Dogs in Service to those in need (we could all use some Dog Love!).  Dog Bless You.

Children of PTSD

I have been thinking about all the adult children around the country (and the world) who grew up in a home with a veteran affected by PTSD.  For adult children today, we grew up before the times of understanding about that which we call Post Traumatic Stress.  As a culture we are now moving away from calling PTS a ‘disorder’, because we have come to see that when people (men and women) experience one more more traumatic events, it is common, even normal, that such experiences affect the human spirit in a negative way.

However, back in the day, even through the Vietnam war, people did not talk that way about war/combat trauma of the emotional/mental kind.  So, there are many, many adults living their lives today, still trying to understand why their parent (most often a father) was ‘the way he was’.  Recent generations have become familiar with being an adult child of an alcoholic, and now I feel that we have to call a spade a spade, which is that there is a reality in being an adult child of PTSD (specifically caused by war experiences).   I have been thinking specifically about a man I knew once, a man about my own age, and his father too was a veteran of the Vietnam war.  A number of years ago he listened to my audio book and told me that until hearing my story, he thought that his father’s behavior while growing up (as he put it ‘lying on the couch, smoking cigarettes and not talking’) was just his dad. After hearing about my father, he realized that his dad had PTSD from his war experiences.

So, yesterday morning I was thinking about how many adult children of PTSD there are now, and how many children of vets returned from OIF, and returning from OEF, will also grow up in a PTSD household.  I made some calls to some of the 23 networks of the Veteran’s Administration (called VISNs) to connect with each VISNs “Designated Learning Officer” to send them one of my books.  Then I decided to take a walk  with my dog to clear my head.  I rounded the corner on my block, and a bicyclist was riding the opposite way.  Dressed in his riding outfit, he said ‘Hi Quynn’ as he rode by.  I looked at him , trying to figure out who he was. ‘Who are you’ I asked him. He turned around and spoke his name.  My jaw dropped.  It was the exact man who I had been thinking about. The adult child of PTSD who I had not seen in a number of years.  We spoke for a few minutes, catching up, and then I told him I had just been thinking about him and his story, and I asked him if I remembered it correctly.  I recounted my memory of his experience and he said it was correct.  ‘However’ he said ‘I think I knew, even at 7 years old, that what was wrong with my dad was PTSD, even though I didn’t know about PTSD then.’  He knew there was something in him that didn’t belong.  He went on to say that his relationship with his father is not at all close, that there is nothing to say.  He said his father has much power, and if his dad directed it in a good way, he would be a powerful man.  ‘I have the same power’ he said.

We said goodbye for now, and I walked away feeling that a message had just been sent my way.  Adult Children of PTSD is something, and there are many of us, going on with life, getting along, doing the best we can. Every day.   I came home and started a facebook group called PTSD Daughter.  If you are in FB, come join me there.

losing a father to ptsd

Image included in message- "Beautiful Day"

I received an email from a woman the other day. It had been a long time since I heard from her.  She wrote me to say that she met a woman who had once met me, and read my book Accepting the Ashes- A Daughter’s Look at PTSD.  The email said that the woman told her she…

shared a very healing talk with you about “coming out of the ashes of her dad’s PTSD from Desert Storm.”  She wanted you to know that your book and story helped her a lot to “get over my anger and disappointment at not having a healthy relationship with a dad who retreated into drugs and alcohol when I needed him most.  She said meeting you helped her “let go of the bitterness.”

It was moving to receive this message because it reminded me of the original reason I wrote my book. While today (8 years after writing it) I think about getting my book in the hands of veterans and their families from OIF and OEF, people who are recently learning to understand the new feelings of PTSD.  However, I originally wrote the story from my own experience that mirrored the woman quoted above.  I wanted to reach out to other children of veterans with Post Traumatic Stress, adult children who are trying to be healed adults, while feeling the pain of their fathers.

I know that a whole new generation of children are growing up right now, who are living with PTSD in their home.  I also know that a good number of these ‘children of PTSD’ are all grown up now, being mothers and fathers, grandparents, sisters and partners, and they are still trying to understand, and come to terms with, what happened.  I am one of these ‘children’. There are many of us from a number of ‘wars’.  No matter how much time passes, our healing continues.  Hopefully our healing can help the younger ones who will need understanding.

The woman who wrote the message closed by saying “So thank you Quynn from all of us in this life who work with families who are, in one way or the other, dealing with the sad debris of addiction, depression, and anger come from war.”  I am touched that my little book has helped anyone see through their pain and know that they are not alone.  War is a cultural pain.  As each of us heal our wounds, we help others heal theirs.

Here is a link of a similar story http://www.sidran.org/sub.cfm?contentID=67&sectionid=4

 

ver, 8 years ago

Past PTSD Writing-Web Archived

As many people do these days, especially writers, I recently ‘googled’ myself to see what appears under my name.  I found two Guest Opinion articles I wrote for the Tucson Citizen in 2004 and again in 2005. Eight years later I am still connecting with people about PTSD and my book Accepting the Ashes- A Daughter’s Look at PTSD.  Unfortunately, Post Traumatic Stress from military service is not less common than it was eight years ago. As a nation, we need PTS support now, more than ever.

Returning Service members and family members, please do not delay in asking for assistance with very real wounds caused by the truama of war.

Here is a link to the two articles I wrote while OIF was in full swing.  The location has changed, but not the result.   Both articles are here- http://tucsoncitizen.com/morgue2/tag/quynn-elizabeth/

Details Between Me and You

Friends,
This blog post is for those who live among us who are post deployment, waiting for life to get better. Whether a returned service member, loving family member, or one, maybe a friend or a co-worker, watching the challenge unfold of adjusting to the New Normal after being in a warzone far away.

I wrote “Accepting the Ashes-A Daughter’s Look at Post Traumatic Stress” in 2004, after my own veteran father (two combat tours in Vietnam) died.  Through a series of events, my book got in the hands of a Chaplain at at VA in southern Oregon. From there, and since then, my little book has been used by Chaplains and National Guard Family Readiness Units in a variety of states.  My book has also been used for a few years as a resource in the VAs Veterans Community Outreach Initiative (Chaplains help train rural Clergy to assist recently returned servicemembers and families). Every year, since 2005, I receive a few orders, from 1 to 1,000, and each year more veterans and their families read my book.  I receive emails like the following each year:

I retired in 2008 with 20 years and two tours in Iraq. I struggled with a fairly serious bought of depression and PTSD. When I say fairly serious, I sought counseling or else I’d have lost my wife of 18 years. I feel like the counseling may have even saved my life.

I am purchasing your book for personal use. I don’t do counseling anymore or take medication. My depression is behind me. I’ll carry some effects of PTSD with me for the rest of my life. I have a wife and four kids, three girls and a boy. When I was struggling with depression although I tried not to, I hurt everyone. One of my teenage daughters I clashed with exceptionally bad. She was at a rebellious stage in her life exactly at the wrong time. We don’t see each other much, or talk much, and when we do it’s hard. I thought of her when I saw your book. I’m forever seeking ways to understand what went wrong and why, and also how the other person felt. I hope your book helps me do that.
I am always touched to receive such messages.  I sent extra books to the man quoted so that he could give other copies to his family, Chaplains and/or mental health professionals in his area.  This is how it has gone so far with promotion of “Accepting the Ashes”.  I do not have a literary agent , or a publicity budget.  I am pleased that my story is helping others, and yet as the warzones continue, and I know the PTSD affected soldiers keep coming home, I want to do more.  I want my book to be able to do more good.I received an email annoucement a couple of months ago offered by SCORE (a business counseling/mentoring organization) about contracting with the government.  Just before finding out about this free workshop, I learned the word “procurement” in the context that various branches of the government may want to ‘procure’ my book as a PTSD resource.   I signed up and showed up for the workshop titled “Bringing your “A” Game- A Small Business Owners Guide to Federal Contracting”, Created by Amanda HOlbert, Small business owner and Business Analyst in Tucson Arizona. I left with more words to learn, and a big packet of information.

After the workshop, it became clear that if I want to get my book to people who need it, I need to learn the details that will help me do just that.  The government is detailed, overworked, and busy.  If I am to be able to catch the attention of decision makers who choose which books to offer and use in their work with veterans and families, I need to know  the language and process used by these government decision makers.

I set an appointment with Ms. Holbert with the Small Business Develoment Center and we met a couple of days ago. After an hour, I was exposed to a whole new world that I now have to learn how to nagivate.  I learned about the importance of the following words/codes and how they can help me get my book in front of the people who help veterans= NAICS codes, www.fbo.gov, www.gsa.gov, DUNS, CAGE, TPIN, www.ccr.gov (where I was already listed, but my profile was deficient), Capability Statement, www.vetbiz.gov, www.grants.gov and www.fedbiz.com .  While my head swims with all this new info, and how I might be able to utilize it, I also think about all the post deployment men and women, and their loved ones, who have to fill out forms, learn how to maneuver through the obstacle course that is the VA, make phone calls, wait, and wait some more, in order to get what they need for their mental, emotional and spiritual health.

At the end of my book I write:

Demand the right to heal.
Each individual and family in every culture deserves the right to heal the wounds of war. Since everyone who participates in war, no matter how they personally feel about it, is affected, helping our soldiers, who are also our fathers, sons, daughters, lovers and friends, heal their bodies, hearts and minds, is a necessity, not a privilege.  By now, it’s obvious, that it is challenging to help the soldiers deal with what they are experiencing while doing their tour of duty, so the healing must begin once they come home.  This makes healing a group effort.  My advice?  Be bold, be persistent, be the squeaky wheel.  Do whatever it takes to get some help and do not feel ashamed for asking.
So I will take my advice and be bold.  I will learn how to tackle the details that are standing in the way of me being able to get my book to YOU, the men, women and children who could benefit by reading/hearing it.  I will learn things I never thought I would need to learn, and I will open my mind to the ways in which my little, self published book, can seep through the walls of the systems of goverment  to help those who need it most, our country’s veterans.  Thank you for the incentive.
If you know of a place that could utilize “Accepting the Ashes- A Daughter’s Look at PTSD”, please contact me.

The Bombs Bursting in Air…

The 4th of July is here. Americans want to celebrate national freedom, and many will. Barbeque, family, friends, and fireworks are the national tradition.  However, the last part, FIREWORKS, are not easy for our country’s veterans to handle each year.  My father used to dislike fireworks.  I never really noticed while growing up, because he wanted to be a good dad and be festive with us.  I imagine that he would have an extra glass of wine to help him ‘take the edge off’ before the exploding festivities would begin. He later said he would wince every time he heard a loud sound because it reminded him of the warzone.   http://www.columbian.com/news/2012/jun/27/when-fireworks-stir-memories-of-war/

Two years ago on July 4th, I heard from a friend who is a two tour veteran of the Iraq war, and he ‘joked’ that he was going to spend the evening under the bed ‘comforting his frightened dog’. I remember him saying how ironic it is that the tradition created to honor our freedom, freaks out the same people who have fought for that freedom.

For those who have experienced personal loss due to war, as a veteran, family member or friend, A “patriotic” day such as July 4 can trigger mixed emotions, including sadness and anger. This morning I heard from “The Waiting Wife”, the wife of a 4 tour veteran of the Iraq war. She has had an extremely hard time of it since her husband returned from the warzone a year and a half ago. Her sad and angry tone this morning was noticible when she txted “Somehow, I don’t feel the same about this day.  I don’t feel freedom at all.”

The link below describes how PTSD is very treatable.  Part of healing from PTSD (learning to deal with it more effectively) is to create a New Normal after deployment. So, as an American, honor this day in the ways that you enjoy, and, please be respectful of the very people who have sacrificed for this privilege.  If there is a veteran or family member in your circle for today’s festivities, ask him/her how they can feel most comfortable.  They are not likely to speak up themselves, so be a good American and offer to adjust the fun so they can be ok. http://www.stripes.com/news/va-s-message-ptsd-is-very-treatable-1.182113

Strangely, due to the extreme heatwave for much of the country, apparently many towns and cities have cancelled their firework festivities.  I can only imagine that a number of veterans are secretly relieved.
http://www.examiner.com/article/july-4-fireworks-cause-fire-worry-amid-heat-wave-wildfires

On this day I think of my veteran father.  I remember his nervousness on this holiday.  And, I apologize to all those American veterans who feel they want to hide under the bed today. Personally, I will not be exploding fireworks.

Anger Breaks Things.

A couple of days ago I got angry.  I felt a kind of anger I hadn’t felt in quite a while.  I have worked very hard over the last decade to not let myself be triggered into the the kind of anger that causes damage.  As a teenager, when my family was breaking apart due to my father’s alcoholism and PTSD, I was so angry I would yell at my mother that “I didn’t ask for this s*!t”.  I would blame her for my confused feelings. One time I was so angry at my fighting parents in the other room, I went to my bedroom, and kicked a hole in the wall.  The strength I felt surprised me, and took me aback.  My anger turned into sadness and drinking in my twenties.  As my relationship with my father (two tour combat veteran of the Vietnam war) was at this low point, I too felt so low that I sought out counseling.  In my early and mid twenties I had hit bottom.  I could barely go to work and I certainly couldn’t feel open hearted in any way.

That was twenty years ago, and over twenty years after my father came home from the war and had me in 1967.

It has been a hard road of healing.  In my 30s I had made progress enough that I met someone and we began a relationship.  However, I found that being with this man triggered me in many ways.  He was, and is (we are still together after 13 years), a good person, and yet the intimacy of relationship brought up much anger in me. I didn’t like the feeling of my rising anger, and yet it came from somewhere that felt old and deep.  Over the years, and much attention on my part, I have been able to tend the parts of me that were hurt by the many aspects of growing up with a combat veteran, and watching his life, and my parent’s marriage, fall apart in front of my eyes.

So, a few days ago I found myself in a situation with a person that really got to me.  The relationship had somehow moved into a feeling of ‘family’, the triggering, dysfunctional kind. Over the past few weeks I would catch myself feeling similar feelings, saying to myself “if only he/she would change”, “maybe this will change it”, and ultimately trying to “fix” the long standing situation of this other person’s life.  I felt hopeless watching someone I care about going downhill, behaviors and attitudes worsening, self-punishment getting stronger, denial continuing.  I am a warrior’s daughter, and my warrior self felt angry that I could not “help”.  However, I kept trying until I got a clear sign.

I woke up the other night with the revelation of what I had allowed back into my life.  I remember lying awake in bed, running over all the parts of our recent interactions in my head, and realizing that I recognized this combination of feelings (irritation, frustration and anger), as an energy that I could not let “move back in”.  I had agreed to help this person the next day, and so I would…but I would have to “take a break” from being emotionally tied to the relationship.  I have learned that behavior can certainly change, even if it isn’t as quickly as I would like, so rather than cut this person off completely, I felt I needed a “time-out” for my own mental health.

The next day I helped like I said.  I also emoted a lot in the car.  I shared my frustration, irritation and anger.  I was careful not to be mean, but I felt I wanted this person to know how I felt. I felt I had earned the right to be honest, even if it wasn’t “nice”.  At the end of our daylong interaction in my van, I heard, “Look”…Sigh. I saw leaking radiator fluid on the floor of the passenger seat.  I knew immediately my mistake.  It may sound strange, but I have learned over the years that my anger affects things. I have had numerous experiences in the past where my overt anger immediately breaks something in my vehicle.  Some may think that is impossible, and I might even logically agree, yet I have watched it happen in front of my eyes.  I had forgotten, and this day I was made to remember.  I had overheated, and now I would have to fix something related to my radiator.

Angry outbursts are a symptom of PTSD , and while my father numbed his anger with alcohol, I have often wondered if I got part of his anger that he never expressed. Either way, this moment of losing my cool was going to cost me money. I immediately resigned myself to this fact.  I was grateful that I had not had such a feeling in so long, and that now I was capable of dealing with it, and soothing my own feelings appropriately.

There is an interesting twist to this story, which is why I am writing about it here.  The overheating incident occurred on Memorial Day 2012.  The next morning I took my van in to an auto shop.  The Heater Core was busted.  (My partner lovingly laughed at my ability to break my own van).  The shop had a shuttle service to take me home while they fixed my emotional mistake. The older mechanic started the drive to my house when I asked him if he had a good Memorial Day.  By the time he drove me home I learned that he is a Vietnam war combat Marine with 60% VA disability and his own battle with PTSD.  He told me how he was a war photographer and got so irritated with people when they figured he never saw any combat. He said “I saw it all”. In 2002 his second wife became overwhelmed with his anger, and his violent nightmares, and told him that if he didn’t do something about it, she was leaving. He also has a son-in-law who has completed multiple tours in Iraq and Afghanistan. I told him about my father, and my book, and we connected our stories quickly.  I told him about my anger the day before and he said  “Gotta watch that”. Yes.

When my van was fixed he came back to pick me up.  I gave him three copies of my book and asked him to give them to his son in law and whoever else needs them.   He was much more animated than earlier in the day, and he even smiled.  There must have been a reason for connecting.  It did show me that we are all connected, and our moods and emotions do matter, because they affect many people and things around us.

Later that night, I heard from the Waiting Wife.  On Monday evening she had told me that she read my previous blog post about their family to her two boys.  By the end of the night they had both told her they loved her, and gave her a hug.  This was good progress.  After coming home from my van/veteran experience, I got a text from her that her oldest son signed up for the Marines that day.  This young man knows anger, and he will probably know it more intimately upon deployment.

To all men, warriors of both sexes, and especially future service members, you cannot ignore your anger.  At some point, anger must be looked at squarely, and dealt with honestly.  It is not pretty or easy, yet anger ruins relationships of all kinds, always.  Even if you can manage to put your anger in a box for 40 years, eventually the box decays from the poison it contains, and anger must be tended.  Anger can break many things.  Don’t let it break you or the ones you love.